Beginners Guide to iOS Game Developement

Schlop Varmint


iOS development is scary and tricky to grasp. To survive, do not deviate from these rules. Huge consequences.

How to Start Programming Games for iOS 

  1. Download Xcode.
  2. Use curse words. Combine them liberally with nouns that evoke quantum genitalia.
  3. Developer Program signup. Enroll yourself or find someone you are sometimes sober around who has a business--unless you are never sober, in that case open your own business.
  4. Dig into your soul and find a way to turn your bliss into tiny squares.
  5. Copy lots of scripting code from the internet without questioning it and then eventually never question it and in the end just copy your own code.
  6. Putz around while ignoring everything else around you that's important. Ignore smarter people than yourself, including yourself.
  7. Listen to your inner voice, even when it says "guacamole."
  8. Abandon projects. Start new ones. Take on more obligations than you can possibly handle.
  9. Google, google, google.
  10. Rinse and repeat.